"How to Increase Fuel Mileage on a Car" - According to WikiHow

In a moment of boredom, yesterday I happen to browse to WikiHow. At the bottom of their site I noticed a rather curios button, advertising that their site is "Carbon Neutral", since this was the first time I've ever seen something like that I was naturally curious, so I clicked the link to learn more. This took me a short article giving a pseudo-scientific calculation of how much carbon is consumed by their site, down to their share of train travel. If you are curious you can find the breakdown here wikiHow:Carbon Neutral. One curios thing I noted was "Jack riding bike to work: 0 lbs of carbon!", last time I checked strenuous physical activity, increases heart rate, which in turn causes the person breathe-in more oxygen and subsequently expel more carbon dioxide. This means that if Jack drove a car, rode a bus or train, he'd actually contribute less carbon to the environment and leave more oxygen for the rest of us .

Anyhow, on that page they also had a reference on how/where you can buy "Carbon Credits" to offset impact on the environment, allowing you to equalize your environmental karmic balance or something, what will they come up with next! And best of all it can be done in 7 easy steps, which sounds simple enough for me to follow and actually remember. Step #1 starts with identifying sources of carbon dioxide production in your daily life, ok sounds simple enough. Let's see; mammals those filthy carbon producing critters, need less of'em; gotta eat more of them to save the environment, especially those endangered ones like Tigers and Pandas... mmm... Panda stew... **drool**. Oops, sorry got distracted there for a second... Definitely gotta eat less plants, they actually scrub carbon dioxide and therefor are carbon negative, so no more salad, ok, can do. To all you vegetarians, quit killing the environment by your uncontrolled destruction on carbon reducing greenery and start saving the environment by eating Rhinos, Gazelles, red wolves and spider monkeys, especially the spider monkeys!

Step #2 involved cars, first they suggested that I drive less, well that's not gonna happen. Then they tried to wean me off driving entirely, fat chance! You gotta wonder why would they say I should drive less and when I say NO WAY IN HELL, they actually have the audacity to try and convince me to stop driving entirely, completely illogical I tell ya! But, they also had a good suggestion of improving your car's fuel efficiency, which immediately got me interested, I mean save money on expensive gas and save the environment, JACKPOT! So how is that actually done? Apparently there are 26 steps, holy cow! That's like 25 too many for me, but I persevered and read them all anyway, there is nothing I wouldn't do to save mon^H^H^H the environment. The best ones I have decided to share with you all, so you can too do you part to save the environment and for your convenience I've simplified it to 5 easy for consumption ideas, so you don't have to suffer through all 26.

1) Lighten your load. An extra 100 pounds increases fuel consumption by 1-2%.

Roger that, no more driving other people or car pooling, those fat bastards can drive their own cars! Making me damage the environment by reducing my fuel efficiency, some people just have no respect for the environment I tell ya.

2) Avoid braking wherever possible. Braking wastes energy from fuel that you have already burned.

Good idea, you should start drifting corners, do engine breaking and run lights whenever possible to avoid slowing down and loosing precious inertia & kinetic energy.

3) Tune up your engine. A properly tuned engine maximizes power and can greatly enhance fuel efficiency.

Wow, I didn't know that tuning the engine would make it use less fuel. Go and have two stage turbo installed on your car immediately, and get another 300 bhp of environment saving goodness.

4) Learn to watch and predict traffic signals. Stop-and-go driving is wasteful.

Useful tip. You should immediately start work on developing telepathy and telekinesis. Since this may take some time, while you are hard at work evolving your mental prowess you can use MIRT that will allow you to control traffic lights without the use of super-powers.

5) Don't circle in a parking lot. Look for a spot in the empty half of the parking lot.

This is probably the one I disagree with the most. Basically, to save the environment you need to park in the empty part of the parking lot right near the entrances typically that are typically empty and usually reserved for pregnant women, elderly and the disabled. I suppose to save the environment we all need to make sacrifices, and become heartless environmentalists.

I'd like to thank WikiHow folks for all these useful tips and the frigid Canadian winter that inspired this rant... COME BACK GLOBAL WARMING, COME BACK!!!!








*** For those of you without sense of humor, possibly lost due to environmental damage, this is a joke ***